Dear Mom,
This video scratched the surface of so many things that I
have been thinking about and want to explore more deeply. It’s a bit scattered
and hard to follow because of the conversational format but the idea that I
have latched onto is the concept of violence that bell refers to in a lot of
her work.
At around 14 minutes into the video Beverly and bell talk
about where feminism fell short. They talk about how women are often finding
opportunities in their professional lives but they still experience patriarchal
violence in their most intimate relationships. bell talks about the withholding
of affection as a form of violence and it almost seems like she is using the
word violence as an antonym for the word love. In the English language we don’t
have a word for actively or passively choosing the opposite of love so I think that
her choice of the word violence is apt.
People discuss different types of love but for the purposes
of this letter I will be using the word love to represent a recognition and
respect for the humanness of another person. We are all perpetrators of
violence in our personal relationships, but I think that women disproportionately
experience the consequences of violence in relationships. I have experienced in
my dating relationships a partner who withheld communication and affection in a
way that was known or at least should have been known. They exercised dominance
over me to keep me on the hook. Acting in a loving way may have cost him the
absence of my affection when it was desired but would have affirmed my
humanity. I know that I have also been guilty this in relationships: both in
friendship and romance.
I have also been thinking about this violence in
relationships in terms of how I view myself. What kind of violence am I doing
to myself when I internalize the imperialist white supremacist capitalist
patriarchal (or maybe just sinful) demands made of women’s bodies by our
society? I feel like I am assaulted with this from all directions- even
sometimes watching you feel like you aren’t good enough. How might my internal
dialogue change if my exercise wasn’t about remolding my body to comply with
those demands or if I could more truly appreciate the good in others without
feeling threatened? The idea of fully loving myself- truly respecting and
honoring the image of God uniquely reflected in me begins to sound more and
more subversive.
We all to readily gratify ourselves but how often do we
truly love ourselves? The measuring stick we use to measure ourselves will
inevitable become that by which we measure others. When we calculate our worth
based on accomplishment or adherence to privileged norms we subscribe to a
logic that does not affirm the inherent value in our humanity. A robust
self-love is not threatening to the selves of others but rather liberating to
them.
In writing this letter I am having a hard time deciding
which vocabulary to use- an academic feminist vocabulary or a religious
vocabulary. When discussing issues of oppression and identity the political
quickly becomes personal- becomes spiritual. Figuring out how the framework of feminism overlaps and in
some ways mirrors a Christian framework has always fascinated for me- looking
at the ways that we are drawing from the same truths about the state of the
world. I am excited to be writing you about the things that I am thinking about
as I wonder why things are the way they are and contemplating how they might
be. Thanks for doing this with me Mom!
I love you
Love,
Sara
